Thursday 12 May 2016

No place is ever as bad as they tell you it’s going to be! - Chuck Thomson



Well that certainly is true! I find the people who have never been someplace are usually the ones who influence others to go or not to go there. I have decided that my guests will have enough to work with to see if they want to come and experience the wild up close and personal with me.

Africa is simply amazing! I want to recount the first experience I had walking in the bush in South Africa. It was last year in February and I was all of 3 weeks here in the ‘wild’. Living in a campsite in a tent; it was off the ground on a deck of wood but still a tent.

There was a plan to go walk in the bush up a gorge where the river flowed through and see some birdlife and just absorb nature. Sounded nice and peaceful and naturally everyone was expected to go. So yours truly tagged along with the crowd with a  back pack which had a water bladder and a pocket full of biltong (dried meat) in case I got peckish and a pair of Reebok leather boots for hiking.

We got to the point of starting by open Landrover and stepped off to have a ciggy and get our legs stretched. I noticed to my dismay the grass was well over knee high! We gonna walk through that?? Yeow!  I rather queasily asked the guide a tentative question? Is it through there that we go? Oh yeah came the casual reply, we go down through the grass to the river edge and walk up the river bank.

Gulp….. Yeow…. I was sweating and could feel the cold clammy knots of paranoia fueled by imagination tightening in my stomach. Gritted my teeth and took my place in the line. Walking through 3 feet high grass in the African bush was not exactly the way I planned to end my life, and yet here I was doing it. Madness…. I thought to myself..... maybe the gaboon adders were away for a weekend with the puff adders and the pythons, the leeches and scorpions were with them for company.

On and on we went and then hit the river……. A complimentary name for a stream 3 meters wide in most places and 20-45 cm deep in most places. The boulder strewn stream bed was making the water ripple and gurgle its way down from the Waterberg range and its icy freshness was a delight to feel and yet it was all lost on me. I had leeches and slippery algae on the mind along with the all too fresh memory of falling on steps in the rain and being laid up in bed for weeks.

After we had crossed back and forth twice in trying to keep to the ‘bank’ of the stream, a name for a strip of rock 60cm wide on one side or a meter or two wide leaf litter strewn area with hard small stones underneath on the other, the guide stopped. We had a breather and then I watched aghast as he started taking his shoes off…..NONONONONONONOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! THIS IS AFRICA!!!!!! I moaned. Every imaginable ugly poisonous godawful creepy crawly in existence lives in the leaf litter here. Doesn’t anyone realize this!!!!! Nooooooo……

My heart was pounding and mouth was dry and it seemed that time stood still while my stomach churned at the thought of taking my shoes off and walking in 3 inches of rotting vegetation, across hard slippery rocks and a freezing stream full of nameless horrors.

The shame of hurt pride prevailed over the ignominy of ridicule and I started taking my shoes off. How were the others taking it??? I looked around hoping to find a friendly paranoid face but everyone seemed completely in sync with insanity of taking shoes off in the ‘natural habitat’ of creepy crawlies anonymous. These people are certifiably nuts I thought to myself as I tied the laces of my beautiful shoes together and slung them around my neck. All I could think was “ I am gonna die…. I am gonna die….. I am gonna die…..”

We crossed and re-crossed the stream several times. Just great to have wet feet and walk in the mud so the leaf litter can attach itself to your feet squelch between your toes and poke you in places you wish you had never exposed.

I was taking pix and videos so at my requiem mass and the wake held in my memory there would be record of the place where I died and the ashes could be spread around in the correct location. Part of me however was lightening up. Everyone walked in single file so I figured it would be a very sleepy goddamn gaboon viper that would bite the 7th guy in line. The thought then came that maybe it was a patient one that had just had enough of humans tramping through its living room. It did no good to the heart rate I can tell you that.

Anyway, we finally, thank God, ended the walk at the edge of a fairly large pool where it appeared that people wanted to actually enter the forbidden pool of creepy crawly heaven. By this time the mind and the feet were numb with terror.

As I sat down and put my bag down and sipped on some water and ate my jerky I looked around at the stupendous beauty of where we were. I also looked at the videos and pix I had taken to be placed In memoriam.  Stunning does not begin to describe the beauty of the Bushmens gorge where we were sitting. The stream, the pool, the kingfisher, the euphorbias growing along the cliff face, all added up to the idyllic world I had been seeking all along and which was the reason for me being in Africa in the first place. It was the place where your soul gets rejuvenated and gloriously laid.

Thus refreshed I joined that gang in the beautiful rock pool and body-surfed down the little rapids at the entrance to the pool. Glorious!

The inevitable time to turn back to the car arrived and I decided that whatever happens no more bare feet and so put my shoes back on. Walking back somehow seemed shorter somehow and when we met up with an elephant it was just the cherry on top.

Lesson was learned though, to trust the guide when I got home and found my beautiful 100$ boot soles were separated from the uppers in so many places so as to render them unusable.


But nothing can beat the beauty of the Bushman’s gorge and the memory of my initiation to the African wilds.

Pix/vids to come! 

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